Good bye, Dad. I love you.

A little more formal write-up on my Dad, now that I am not just wailing. I'm still not sure this is quite as good as what he wrote for Mom.

He was a loving father, a brilliant software engineer, a caring man, a cat-lover, a bridge player, an alienated environmentalist (as some of the movements got too extreme for him), he enjoyed camping, like my mother he loved Ireland when they went there and would have liked to retire there. When I was young he cooked only when a barbecue or camping was involved; by the time he died, he was learning Mom's and other recipes and experimenting. At either time, what he cooked was delicious. He was stubborn at times. He was mostly gentle. He was occasionally foolish and he sometimes was depressed, but mostly he kept going. He was fascinated by genealogy in the past decade or more, and had put together much of our family tree. He was a do-it-yourselfer when it was reasonable (the front walkway is sheltered by a vine that climbs a frame he welded together) and not when it wasn't (he had the roofing and siding and foundation done professionally). He was a wise man, a kind man, a careful man. He loved my mother, and me, very much.

I love you, Daddy. And I miss you. And I'm so very, very lucky to have had you and Mom for my parents.

Memories of Mom & Dad

It seems appropriate to let these intermix as they will - and easier on me - so I hope no one minds.

( Behind a cut tag, since I expect to get wordy before I post this )

Thank you.

Thank you, everyone, for your kind words. I have replied to some and not to others, and I hope that those I didn't reply to will forgive me. I am a bit scattered lately - I replied mostly where I had additional comments or to those who have not been reading my journal in the past, as far as I know, because I wasn't sure they would see a general post here. I think I replied to a couple others, mostly because they were there. I devoutly hope the rest of you will forgive me for a generic thank you, but I'm not sure posting "Thank you" over and over again to you is any more meaningful.

Your words, thoughts, and prayers, mean a LOT.

My status, today.

A little more together. Pleased to have gotten some memories up, even if I want to get more. Still moderately shaky. As far as practical matters, my big concern is the cats. Our house is not yet prepared for cats, but I don't want to leave them out there indefinitely. On the other hand, the feral cats can't be moved - and their food bowl has to be refilled every 2 days. I could get a second food bowl (three won't fit on that shelf) and extend that, but...even so, that part's hard. Basta and Babe are actually more okay alone since their food lasts longer. Dad wasn't sure what besides the cats might be getting into the outdoor cats' bowl, but he was thinking something had to be. (It's fairly well-placed to avoid that - but maybe a clever coon has worked out the path. Though it's not as messy as I'd expect for that.)

I'm dealing. I'm not sure what I'll do as far as work. I can't imagine staying like this forever. I can't imagine going back yet either, in part because of the logistics. I suspect they'd be fine with my working from home - or even from my parents' house. But I won't gain much working at my house, and staying at my parents' house would mean separation from Scott or else a horrid commute for him...and I would worry while he made that drive, I think, especially at first. Even if he was willing - I don't know if he is or not, I didn't ask, because it just doesn't make sense.

Gotta solve the question of how to help the cats first. I want it to be Tuesday, when I can start calling people again. I don't want it to be Tuesday because there are things to do then that are sad sad sad to face, but...at least I can start getting ducks in a row for some things.

I need to write the obituary this weekend, to deal with Tuesday, speaking of Tuesday. I have the samples and so on for that. I just haven't wanted to face it. Of course, some of what I've posted here and what others have said, I can use for that. We are running this one in the Newberg Graphic and may run it as a double for him and Mom - Mom's was run in the Oregonian, not the Graphic. There are people in town who knew them, casually but regularly (the lady at the dry cleaner's, who saw them - then saw Dad - regularly; store clerks; etc.). Some might care to know, but I wouldn't know how to find them, except for the dry cleaner's. I'm not sure whether I should go and say anything to them or not. Dad said that he was trying to figure out how to tell them about Mom - every time he went in, the lady there asked after how his "lovely wife" was doing. So she obviously cared....

I need to figure out how move Babe and Basta, too, and when. I want to bring them home. I think my allergies will tolerate that. Maybe I should spend a night out there, to be sure - with Scott, since neither of us has work this week. But if the allergies won't tolerate that, I don't know what I'm going to do. I have had one generous offer to help with them, but I am very reluctant to take it. Those cats are family, and the idea of not having them with family is upsetting. So is the idea of not getting to see them regularly. If we do bring them home with us, it will definitely mean other changes here - the house is not cat-safe and for bonus points they are used to going out when they want to, and here that would be dangerous. I don't mind making the changes, it's just so much to figure out and do, and so very important to me. I also want to make sure they are chipped, at least.

Today, on the way back from my parents' house, Scott and I stopped by work and picked up his car. He'd left it parked there when he came to tell me on Thursday, and drove me home. And for the first time since he told me, I drove a car. I hadn't wanted to before - not because of fear due to Dad's accident (though there is that - illogical as it is to fear a driving a straight road in 48-degree weather when Dad's accident was on an icy curve), but because I was so shocky and upset that I wasn't sure I'd be safe. I'm doing better now, enough better to deal with driving at least, so Scott has his car back. He is actually gaming with friends tonight - he asked first and I encouraged him, as it's a regularly scheduled thing and I know he enjoys it; it's the first time we've been apart by more than a few rooms since Thursday. I made him promise to call when he arrived safely, and again when he left. (And I just noticed the time, and called him to confirm he's still there and gaming, rather than having forgotten to call - he's still there and gaming.) I suspect I will still largely monopolize him this week, but...a bit of time, anyway.

I still have more people to notify. I got to the ones I knew were important by early Friday, but I've made no progress since then - not something I want to face. I'll probably tackle that tomorrow morning - lousy timing, but not much to do about that. Tonight would be worse considering how late it is.

Right now, I am trying not to poke at the wound by going back and re-reading my initial posts about his passing, or by thinking too hard about Scott telling me. Perhaps I should write the latter down in a private post - I do not want to forget it, but neither do I want to relive it over and over. I can work myself into quite a state of pain that way, and it serves no purpose - except to help cement the memory. I think I may post it for myself, and see if that helps me let go of it.

Scott has been helping me by scanning some of Mom's recipe cards. I want to get those all in, and make a backup. They are even more precious now. And darnit, I'd wanted to make one of those berry cake thingies and share with Dad, for memories. Hopefully I will make one and share with Scott and his family, to create new memories. But not just now. I do not need to add cooking to the list of things that are critically important to me right now, that list is too long and I am too close to just dashing about in circles uselessly. I'm not quite doing so. I'd like to keep it that way.

Tried some of the new bpal's I got. My left wrist smells baby-powderish, but with a pine overtone, I think; my right smells evergreen-y. Wish I remembered just now which is which. I can figure it out later, I set them out in the same order, but they're not in front of me just now.

I am babbling. Also tired. I think I will close this post off and go to bed.

Also, every time I think I've found a case where I can use my Balto "wolf can" icon, it's not appropriate. I'd intended it to be a hard times icon, but it speaks of making the journey alone, and when times are hard, that is both the last thing I want to do, and not something I have to do (for which thank you ALL!). So I never use it. Not using it now either as it is once again not right. Ah well. Neat icon, anyway. Not useful, but neat.

Also, for those interested in photos, my Flickr stream is at http://www.flickr.com/photos/kyrielle - nothing new added tonight, though. I will probably add stuff at some point but the photos are not at the top of my list right now....

Right. Bed.