![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
Icon because it's hug-like and I could use a hug. (I'll collect one from Scott later, but he is at a game right this moment.)
That meme is so shallow. But I started it, so I finished it. I'm deep in the what-ifs tonight, wishing that we'd pushed Mom to go to the doctor sooner, wishing that we'd realized, wishing.... I don't know why. I can't imagine she would have been a good candidate for treatment even early on. I can't imagine she'd have wanted to deal with the side effects of that treatment. Her view of life is so very different from mine.
I keep telling myself that over and over again. And the all-important fact that we didn't know, we didn't push, and we cannot know if it would have helped. We can't - I can't - assume that if we had done some magical something, she'd have longer to live, she'd be in better health.
It's so hard seeing her weak, seeing all that she goes through - and it's not bad yet (although getting what appears to be a mild stomach flu to go with it was unnecessarily cruel, I think).
I'm coping. Although today I was a bit bad and went with retail therapy. Oh, well. At least I did it in an outlet bookstore, and not, say, a high-end electronics store. When I'm there, I can deal, I can talk with them and joke and take photos of birds and cats and cuddle the cats and not cry, just be with them. And that means a lot to me. But when I drive to and from, sometimes, I can feel my face settle into non-expression, a blank sort of feeling like I'm not quite there and it's just stopped reflecting things. And then there are times like tonight when it all hits me and I'm crying. They seldom last long, but they're there.
I want to keep her as long as possible...without excessive pain. I HATE adding that last clause, because it implies I'm willing to shorten her time for anything, but how could I possibly wish pain on her? I wouldn't want that for her - and I know her view of life is very much more comfort versus length than even mine. I hate to face that. I hate to face the question of which is better. I'm so glad I haven't got any choice about it, except as it influences my prayers, which lately usually devolve down to please, let me keep my Mama as long as possible while still meeting what she'd wish for. Because I can't even bring myself to 'speak for' her that much.
I probably won't ever have to make a decision affecting her care. But if I do, I know what she wants. She's got the directives in place. They're not what I'd have put down, in her shoes. But I'm so glad they exist, because it means I don't have to make that decision no matter what. At worst I might have to voice it, and probably that will fall to Dad, if it comes to that.
I'm okay most of the time and then suddenly - usually when I've had too much time to think - I am a mess. Blowing out the candle just now made me cry a bit more, for pity's sake.
I took a couple photos of Mom the other day, when I took the shots of Babe and Basta. She was napping just then and I was ostensibly photographing Babe, but I composed the shot so I had her in it. I will not share them with people. I think she would have told me no if I had asked. Mom doesn't like having her picture taken when she is looking good and well. But I needed those photos. And she was resting and looked mostly comfortable (which I think she was). I need those memories, too. I have so few photos of her, because of my tendency to lose things and her tendency to avoid having her picture taken. But I have some. I needed these too. I feel obscurely guilty for doing this without asking her, but I think that would have ended with no pictures and stress for her.
They need a space heater for her room. To get it warm enough with their heating, they need to bake the computer room, which is sort of unfortunate for the computers. So I will be taking one of our two space heaters over tomorrow. It will be a short-term solution - Dad is planning to buy one, and neither of these are ideal for their circumstances. But it will help until Dad can pick the one he wants (I offered to get one, but he wants to pick it out - I don't know if it's to be sure it will be something Mom can deal with, because he wants control, because he doesn't want to put me out, or because he wants an excuse to get out of the house for a bit). I'm trying to decide which to take over. I think the metal one, but it hasn't been used in a while and may have to be air-cleaned first. But it has an easier control and it's more finely controllable - the little beastie we keep in here is permanently on once you get just above halfway up. Really not good for Mom's room. (Really handy for me when I'm either freezing or upset, as in both cases I like to sit in the blast path of the hot air from the heater and not have it switch off. But either heater will do for that.)
Every time I make plans what to get them for their anniversary (which is in less than a month), I start getting twitchy again, because I simply don't know how precarious Mom's health is. It seems fairly to me, and yet, realistically, I don't think she is doing a whole lot worse than she was before the diagnosis (barring the stomach flu thingy, which could be a problem). It's my perceptions that have changed. I know what I'm doing, I just...need to do it at some point. Probably closer to the date, because really, putting things off that aren't needed now? Is life right now.
...now I post some pics to Flickr, add a public post linking them, and then go to bed. Sleep is a good thing.
That meme is so shallow. But I started it, so I finished it. I'm deep in the what-ifs tonight, wishing that we'd pushed Mom to go to the doctor sooner, wishing that we'd realized, wishing.... I don't know why. I can't imagine she would have been a good candidate for treatment even early on. I can't imagine she'd have wanted to deal with the side effects of that treatment. Her view of life is so very different from mine.
I keep telling myself that over and over again. And the all-important fact that we didn't know, we didn't push, and we cannot know if it would have helped. We can't - I can't - assume that if we had done some magical something, she'd have longer to live, she'd be in better health.
It's so hard seeing her weak, seeing all that she goes through - and it's not bad yet (although getting what appears to be a mild stomach flu to go with it was unnecessarily cruel, I think).
I'm coping. Although today I was a bit bad and went with retail therapy. Oh, well. At least I did it in an outlet bookstore, and not, say, a high-end electronics store. When I'm there, I can deal, I can talk with them and joke and take photos of birds and cats and cuddle the cats and not cry, just be with them. And that means a lot to me. But when I drive to and from, sometimes, I can feel my face settle into non-expression, a blank sort of feeling like I'm not quite there and it's just stopped reflecting things. And then there are times like tonight when it all hits me and I'm crying. They seldom last long, but they're there.
I want to keep her as long as possible...without excessive pain. I HATE adding that last clause, because it implies I'm willing to shorten her time for anything, but how could I possibly wish pain on her? I wouldn't want that for her - and I know her view of life is very much more comfort versus length than even mine. I hate to face that. I hate to face the question of which is better. I'm so glad I haven't got any choice about it, except as it influences my prayers, which lately usually devolve down to please, let me keep my Mama as long as possible while still meeting what she'd wish for. Because I can't even bring myself to 'speak for' her that much.
I probably won't ever have to make a decision affecting her care. But if I do, I know what she wants. She's got the directives in place. They're not what I'd have put down, in her shoes. But I'm so glad they exist, because it means I don't have to make that decision no matter what. At worst I might have to voice it, and probably that will fall to Dad, if it comes to that.
I'm okay most of the time and then suddenly - usually when I've had too much time to think - I am a mess. Blowing out the candle just now made me cry a bit more, for pity's sake.
I took a couple photos of Mom the other day, when I took the shots of Babe and Basta. She was napping just then and I was ostensibly photographing Babe, but I composed the shot so I had her in it. I will not share them with people. I think she would have told me no if I had asked. Mom doesn't like having her picture taken when she is looking good and well. But I needed those photos. And she was resting and looked mostly comfortable (which I think she was). I need those memories, too. I have so few photos of her, because of my tendency to lose things and her tendency to avoid having her picture taken. But I have some. I needed these too. I feel obscurely guilty for doing this without asking her, but I think that would have ended with no pictures and stress for her.
They need a space heater for her room. To get it warm enough with their heating, they need to bake the computer room, which is sort of unfortunate for the computers. So I will be taking one of our two space heaters over tomorrow. It will be a short-term solution - Dad is planning to buy one, and neither of these are ideal for their circumstances. But it will help until Dad can pick the one he wants (I offered to get one, but he wants to pick it out - I don't know if it's to be sure it will be something Mom can deal with, because he wants control, because he doesn't want to put me out, or because he wants an excuse to get out of the house for a bit). I'm trying to decide which to take over. I think the metal one, but it hasn't been used in a while and may have to be air-cleaned first. But it has an easier control and it's more finely controllable - the little beastie we keep in here is permanently on once you get just above halfway up. Really not good for Mom's room. (Really handy for me when I'm either freezing or upset, as in both cases I like to sit in the blast path of the hot air from the heater and not have it switch off. But either heater will do for that.)
Every time I make plans what to get them for their anniversary (which is in less than a month), I start getting twitchy again, because I simply don't know how precarious Mom's health is. It seems fairly to me, and yet, realistically, I don't think she is doing a whole lot worse than she was before the diagnosis (barring the stomach flu thingy, which could be a problem). It's my perceptions that have changed. I know what I'm doing, I just...need to do it at some point. Probably closer to the date, because really, putting things off that aren't needed now? Is life right now.
...now I post some pics to Flickr, add a public post linking them, and then go to bed. Sleep is a good thing.
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
This is so hard. I'm so sad for you. I'm glad you took the pictures; you do need them and they're important.
*** more hugs ***
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject