Grieving and things that don't work.

[kyrielle]

I have had, a couple of times, to remind myself that people were trying to help. A number of people have told me, at least my Dad is with my Mom now. And that helps, and I hope so too! But a few people have said instead, "Maybe he was meant to go to be with her" or "Maybe he wanted to go to be with her" and that is not helpful, if you can see the distinction. I have several times heard that...and I find it bugs me n a deep, deep level. The thought that maybe there is something after and they are together - that is comforting. The thought of Dad wanting or needing to die is foreign to a degree that makes it offensive.

Worse is the Jehovah's Witnesses tract. See, they must have (I assume) read the obituary in the paper, looked the names up, and sent the thing. They sent it to "The Davidson Family" at my parents' address, which got it forwarded to me, the return address is Newberg, and the letter enclosed says they read of our loss - I assume in the obituaries. Anyway, they say the Bible says you can be reunited with the ones you love in the near future, alive, here on earth, and then go on to include a pamphlet to that effect also, trying to get you to call the JW for more information. This upsets me on so many levels - first, neither of my parents would have welcomed it were they the one still alive and grieving. Second, while I hope there is something good for us all after death, there's limits to what I expect - surely if this were possible or likely, it would've happened a few times by now - and been major news. :P Third, recruiting people who are grieving and hurting in this way just seems slimy and rude. I'm not entirely surprised by the JW doing it, but neither would I have anticipated this degree of tackiness. It really bugged me to get it.

Note that my objection isn't bringing God into the equation; it's the recruiting coupled with the strong implication/almost-promise of the (I believe improbable!) restoration of the people on this earth, in this life. :P Grrrr.

At least I'm annoyed instead of hurt by these two items....

Comments

[davmoo.livejournal.com]

Since I don't know many of them, I may step on the toes of someone on your friends list with this statement. But then again, I'm not sure I care.

But if anyone where to tell me that a religious group could be *that* tacky, and then ask me to guess who I think it is, "Jehovah's Witnesses" would have been my first guess. Even Osamma wouldn't sink that low.

[aellia.livejournal.com]

That's the last thing you needed.
I'm sorry these people feel the need to use these tactics

Many hugs and lots of thoughts
xxx

[angelamermaid.livejournal.com]

The JWs suck. Using obituaries to recruit? And yes, the almost-promise of restoration would be annoying. I can't stand to watch The Young and the Restless when the ghost of John Abbott is on, and I don't watch any other show, because they keep bringing people from the dead.

I would never think you father wanted to be with your mother so much that the accident happened. I think it was a tragic accident.

Hang in there!

[kyrielle]

And at least one person who said it softened it by saying on some level, not consciously, maybe just his soul. It didn't soften it much.

He was planning for the long haul, yes. It was a crappy, lousy, horrid thing, but an accident. And every time (all 3 or so) that someone tried that, I was deeply grateful that I knew that so surely. Because it meant it never was believable to me, just anger-inducing that they would say it.

But it does help to think he is with Mom, even if he hadn't meant to be with her again yet.

[geordie.livejournal.com]

Your father never struck me as someone who was on this for the short haul. I'm sure it was just a disaster of chance that brought him to a very unexpected end. If he had intended anything else he wouldn't still have been planning for years ahead, and he was.

[geordie.livejournal.com]

(that was supposed to be 'in this')

I forgot to say, I despise any person or group that seeks to exploit a perceived weakness for their gain, however well intentioned they might think it.

Funny thing is that the person I know who spends all his vacation rebuilding NOLA is a JW, practicing what others preach and never do. I guess it's like any other group, they aren't all self serving hypocritical assholes.

[kyrielle]

Thank you. I know that intellectually but it is nice to know that someone has met one who lives it. I'm sure there are many more - it's that the others are so in-your-face that they are quite memorable...

[kyrielle]

And at least one person who said it softened it by saying on some level, not consciously, maybe just his soul. It didn't soften it much.

He was planning for the long haul, yes. It was a crappy, lousy, horrid thing, but an accident. And every time (all 3 or so) that someone tried that, I was deeply grateful that I knew that so surely. Because it meant it never was believable to me, just anger-inducing that they would say it.

But it does help to think he is with Mom, even if he hadn't meant to be with her again yet.

[kfrye.livejournal.com]

Almost two years ago, a very close friend of my husband died. He was our age, extremely healthy, and should have had at least 50 more years left. While we were out of town on business (and he was taking care of our cats), he caught a virus that somehow made its way to his heart, and he collapsed and died home alone. It was incredibly shocking and senseless and meaningless.

We went to a couple of gatherings of people who knew him, and there was a particular circle of his friends who just seemed so quick to say awful things like, "He's gone to a better place." or "It was meant to be." or worse, "There's a new star in the sky looking down on us now." And then they went on to pat themselves on the back for being so self-aware and spiritual and better than us mere mortals who are content to watch tv and eat Doritos and live in ignorance (not in so many words, but that was the gist of it). They pissed me off on so many levels that I don't really know where to start, but mostly I imagined how Ben would respond to the idea that somehow his death was a good thing. He would have told them to fuck off.

I guess people say things like that so that they can believe that there always is meaning in death. That if it's not your time to go, then it won't happen. Or maybe it's just that words seem so inadequate to express sympathy to someone who is grieving, so they flounder for something to say that would be somehow comforting, but it all comes out wrong.

[kyrielle]

Yes. Which is why I appreciate the folks who approached it as "at least he's with your mother now". Because (whether it's true or not) it's phrased as the consolation prize it is - if there's an afterlife, then maybe (hopefully) they are now together. I'd still rather have him alive (and Mom, at that) even if I knew for sure it was true...but at least there's the thought that maybe they are together. And I find that idea a bit comforting at least. But not when it's presented as if it's a certainty, something he should have sought, and better than his being alive still. *shudders* That's just nasty.

And I'm sorry about your friend. That's...wow. Harsh.

[(Anonymous)]

I am angry that the JW would go to that level. As one who knew your parents as well as most family and friends I don't believe for one second that your dad would have wanted to do that. His life was fulfilled after your mom passed away knowing he had you and your husband. In talking with him the evening before the accident he was explaining all that he needed to do in the next several days. I too believe that he is now with your mom but I imagine her surprised expression when he showed up so soon. LOL.
"Hugs and Loves" to you.

[kyrielle]

Yeah. I know that he was having trouble dealing with her death - how could he not be? - but he was also moving forward, as best he could, and I believe he intended to continue that way. I imagine he was a little surprised to arrive that quickly as well!

Thank you for your note...I hope you see this; I'd email, but since I'm not sure who to email.... :)